


Fiery Hot Phoenix History

by Atlantica



Category: Ancient Egyptian Religion, Greek and Roman Mythology, Slavic Mythology & Folklore
Genre: Copious Amounts Of Swearing, Gen, Literary References & Allusions, Mythology References
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2018-10-30 04:19:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10868964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atlantica/pseuds/Atlantica
Summary: Come with me, kids, as I teach you all I know and can find on the Internet about phoenixes. You've obviously seen those bright little sons of bitches around, and now it's time for me to teach you about what they are and where they come from.





	1. Disclaimer

Please bear in mind that mythology, and the religion surrounding it, existed for a reason. As wild as these sound on a superficial level, they're not exactly meant to be taken so literally. They didn't worship that shit just because they could, their mythology had (and still has) a deep and genuine meaning. It's supposed to be symbolic, and sometimes it's hard to recognize that. When Kronos eats his children in many Greek myths, yeah, that's weird. The problem here is taking it as, "This guy likes eating kids, that's weird!". It shows the struggle with paranoia, and the distrust and violence within positions of power; this sort of thing was a major problem in certain societies of the time, and continues to be a problem now.


	2. What's In A Name?

What is a 'phoenix'? Well, the earliest recording of this eagle Ghost of Christmas Past-looking fuck is from ancient Egypt. It's very likely that the Egyptians came up with this, since they also helped come up with things like opium. There, they called it 'Bennu', and it was its own (sort of) deity. Since the Greeks liked taking a lot of religious stuff from the Egyptians, including cults, the Greeks started calling it 'φοῖνιξ', which is essentially 'phoinīx'. This became 'phoenīx' in Classical Latin, because the Romans had raging hard-ons for Greek language. In turn, this became 'phenix' in Medieval Latin, and then 'fēnix' in Old English. Middle English turned it back into the word to 'phenix', and then it became the 'phoenix' we know today. Though that was a fucking load of changes, it isn't really drastically different from the first time it was uttered. The thing about the Romans and Greeks taking up this legend is that Roman and Greek myths spread worse than poison ivy at your local orgy.

This guy named Isidore of Seville came up with this crazy fucking conspiracy theory for the name of the beast. Essentially, he said that it came from the island of Phoenicia. Isidore backs up his claims by saying that the island in question was super world renowned for this really pretty purple dye. The people of the island got the dye from absolutely obliterating conch shells in large quantities. William Golding, eat your heart out. Besides the point. Anyways, Isidore states that this pretty purple derived the name, because the phoenix itself is described as being some purple, reddish, essentially 'day after the walk of shame' hickey color.

Before we start off, let me hand you a little warning. There are so many god damn legends similar to the phoenix but not quite there, that it is essentially its own trope. The Aarne-Thompson classification system is essentially about the common themes in every day fairy tales. Many phoenix-like fairy tales are classified under type 550, "The Golden Bird". Now that our scene has been set, it's time to learn ourselves some fucking phoenix folklore.


	3. Bennu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now, let's start at the beginning.

From the top, Bennu was essentially the original. For some background information, the ancient Egyptians believed that their souls had five parts to them. There was the 'Ren', the 'Ba', the 'Ka', the 'Sheut', and the 'Ib'. Bennu itself was the Ba of the god Ra. He was the one who permitted the creativity of Atum, which is some pretty overpowered shit. See, Atum is the one who created fucking everything in the Heliopolitan creation myths. It's kinda a weird myth. See, he made himself out of water, and immediately had two children. In some variants of the myth, he does this by choking his chicken so furiously he literally coughs out some kids. In other myths, he has sex with his own shadow, and that worked.

Anyways, back on track. Bennu yelled at Atum telling him to make the shit that he needed to make, which was everything. Bennu itself was physically connected to Ra, being part of his spirit. However, Bennu was also connected to Osiris. Osiris is that weird green fucker that looks sort of like whoever colored him wasn't really taking their job that seriously, but he is the god of the afterlife. Bennu is essentially immortal, since it can reincarnate itself. Because of this, Bennu is connected to the afterlife and Osiris. To symbolize its connection to Osiris, Bennu enjoys wearing the same crown thing that Osiris has, and rather enjoys chilling on willow trees, which are Osiris' favorite plant. When you look at Bennu, the first thing you think is, "Wow, that's a real goofy looking motherfucker!" and I don't blame you. After that, though, you start to realize it's probably some sort of a grey heron, right? Wrong. Actually, it's an extinct species of heron that is actually called a Bennu heron. Bennu itself was worshipped alongside Atum and Ra at a place called Heliopolis.

A little while after the creation of the universe, some Greek hotshot named Herodotus rolled the fuck up onto Heliopolis. The people there told him about Bennu. They said that every 500 years, Bennu would die, and then revive itself. They told Herodotus that what the worshipped as Bennu looked more like an eagle with red and gold feathers. From this, sprouted countless legends of the golden firebird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to go on record saying I didn't write this while I was high.


	4. Tsarevich Ivan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going in complete chronological order, because time is a human construct and I can do what I want. This is a Slavic folktale, but there's a Brother's Grimm version of the story thats really similar but with different character names, I think.

The phoenix, in and of itself, can be related to a metric fuck load of other folklores and mythologies. Take for example, if you will, the Slavic Firebird. If that's not a badass enough name for you, try the 'Жар-пти́ца', which looks a lot cooler. A well-known fairy tale it comes from is called "Tsarevich Ivan, the Firebird, and the Gray Wolf" in English. Since Slavic folklore is essentially stomped into the fucking dirt, it's time to explain this story. 

So, there was this tsar named Tsar Vislav. Tsar Vislav had three sons and presumably no daughters. His two oldest sons were essentially just lazy fucks and his youngest was sort of just an all-around ignoramus. He had this super awesome tree he was in love with that gave him some nice apples. This tsar was absolutely beside himself with joy, until one night something ate them. More apples would disappear every night, until the guy was pissed. He was so fed up with it that he made his eldest son, Dmitry, watch the tree all night to catch the culprit. Dmitry wasn't really having any of that shit though, because he didn't really care about his dad's giant apple hankerings. Dmitry fell asleep on the job, and his dad woke him up in the morning essentially saying to himself, "What the fuck, son? You literally had one job." Since Dmitry wanted to save his own ass, next on the line was Tsar Vislav's second oldest son, Vasiliy. Vasiliy was just a little bit less of a slacker than his older brother, but still fucked off to Sleeptown, population: Vasiliy, before midnight. After that shitshow of an ordeal, Tsar Vislav regretfully employed his youngest, third son Ivan's help. Although he's a bit (a lot) of a dunce, Ivan is at least more motivated than both of his brothers combined. That night, he actually sees the thief. Although, in his sleep deprived state, it scares him shitless, he manages to grab the bird. The bird eventually got away, but Ivan was able to rip a tail feather off the shitty red peacock. When he woke up his father, he gave him the feather and said, "Yep, we're kinda sitting with our thumbs up our asses here." That's not actually what he said, but the point is the same. 

So, the tsar sent all three of his sons out to find the mythical firebird. While en route to finding the foul fowl, the three boys came across a split in the path that breaks it into, you guessed it, three ways. The first route claimed that if you travel it, you'll starve and be freezing the entire time. The second route said that if you went that way, you would be fine, but the horse you were riding on would get maimed. The final, third option, said that the rider would perish, but the horse would be just fine. The two eldest immediately said, "Haha, fuck that, amirite?" and literally just went into hiding. Since Ivan doesn't know how to take one for the team, he sacrificed his trusty steed and went through the second pathway. 

While he was taking his sweet time, a giant wolf just fucking astronomically ass-blasted his horse, and by that I mean ate it. Ivan is such a pitiful sight for sore eyes that this wolf starts to feel guilty and he's like, "Oh, man, sorry dude, you can ride on me if you want." The wolf led Ivan to the firebird, which was trapped in this golden cage. The wolf told Ivan that if he snatched the glowing magic poultry but didn't stuff his pockets with the gold on the cage, he'd be fine. Ivan, however, has listening issues, and takes them both. 

This leads Ivan and his new wolf best friend to go on three separate dangerous quests for three separate kings. After completing all these quests like a boss (and getting himself a hot babe), Ivan gets merc'd by his two greedy-ass older brothers. The wolf finds Ivan's sad sack of shit state upsetting, and brings Ivan back to life, to live happily ever after with his wife Helen (or Elen/Ellen, depending on how pretentious you are).


	5. Ars Goetia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A friend of mine actually owns the Ars Goetia, which is how I know most of this.

Not only are phoenixes good in Abrahamic religions, some of them are also Pagan. Phenex, a certain phoenix our story is about, was kicked out of Heaven itself by the universe's most strict club bouncers. Phenex has been part of the underground sinners committee for a little over 1,200 years. Despite being a firebird himself, he's not really comfortable with the eternally damned in hellfire. Although he's no bad-to-the-bone fucking demon, he's actually a Great Marquis of Hell himself. 

Thing about him, though, is that it is possible to summon him. When he is summoned, he has the voice of a prepubescent child, which I personally think is fucking hilarious. He likes to sing, but with a voice like a prepubescent boy it really can't be that melodic, let's face it. The song is really dangerous, I guess, so you're supposed to not listen to it when he sings. If you're able to command him to do what you want, though, he's a pretty good teacher. He will teach the person who summons him science and poetry. Having a giant fucking fiery eagle demon as a poetry teacher sounds pretty hardcore. 

Phenex himself is a demon of the Night, which I think means that you can only summon him at night. I'm not going to tell you how to summon a fucking demon though. First of all, I don't know how. Second of all, I don't trust someone reading Archive Of Our Own to be able to handle trying to actually summon a Pagan dæmon. 

All of the beasts in the Ars Goetia, the demon Wikipedia, have zodiacs. Phenex is an Aries, which I find funny, because Aries people are typically hotheaded, and Phenex literally is on fire. Before you go thinking that Phenex is a little pussy, bear in mind he controls 20 legions of demons. 1 legion is, on average, about 5,000 demons.   
1 legion = 5,000 demons  
20 legions  
20*5,000 = 100,000 demons  
There's your math for you, fellas. This Trick Candle Bird fucker controls 100,000 of some of the most feared supernatural beings. Imagine how many Paranormal Activity movies we could make with one helpful phoenix.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope your ready for my sick, twisted Magic School Bus ride.


End file.
